I relapsed again

 I relapsed again

Into my comforting sadness

Because only tears can soothe the pain

And it took away my evening

With my children

I attended to my sadness instead of my children

Because it felt relieving 

To acknowledge the painful past

And I relapsed again

Into my wonderland hole

Where anything is possible

Where anything is not possible

Where the rabbit tells me I'm late

And all of the miracles and terrifying phantoms reappear

And I can't seem to find reality

It would be so easy to wake up

And never see earths light

I want to be punished for my sins

I want to see myself get what I deserve

Because I feel like I'm failing again

And it can't be right

I know she's angry and 

I 

Don't know what to do

I pinned her and they hurt her

I cried and she comforted me

I was the baby and she was my mother

And I hate myself for it

Maybe my attachment is too broken to do her good

Maybe I'll keep ripping out her heart

String by string

And leave the bandages behind this time

For once I just want to cry

But it's not safe.

I just want to stop being robbed

By demons that no one can see

The cruel gremlins steal me away from my children

And they want me to notice them

My sadness overwhelms me

How much longer in this pain

Has my brain changed forever?

Grumbling

 groans

A grumble

Can penetrate 

Safety

How can I forget his look

The look that speaks 1000 phrases

That symbolize 

You are below me

You aren’t worth any more time

Being weird is better

 Being weird is better

Than pleasing them

Because you can do what you want

And never feel ashamed

Being weird is better

Than doing what you're told

Because you may be yelled at

But they can't steal your joy

Being weird is better

Than being respected

Because it's always possible

Because it is always you

Being weird is being different from your friends and your family and the world

And the ability to notice

rejection and glances and silent daggers in movements

And move into your weirdness all the same.

You are weird.

Embrace it.

The depth of me

I wish I was that girl

Who wanted to understand pain

And reached into

The depth of me

To pull out buried treasure

Now the deep is all I have

Laughter comes forced

All my memories dark and terrifying

How they swirl and agitate!

I look into a broken mirror

That reflects my pain

The void inside

Of death

Of quiet

Quiet

Still

Deep

I am not sure where I go now

But I want to go somewhere

Some days I hate myself

Some days
Like today
I hate myself

I hate how pleased I feel as I review all of the compliments that I’ve received from others more powerful than myself over my lifetime.
I hate my desire to be noticed and my fear to feed that desire when opportunities come
I hate my crooked smile, my love of secrets, of knowing more than others about something but withholding the information
I hate that I love being a leader and bossing others around
I hate that most of my decisions are run by my fragile and unsteady emotions
I hate that I curse and that I hide my cursing from those who I respect
I hate that I can’t stop hating myself

It’s funny
You know all these things
And hate them too
Yet I’m supposed to feel safe in your presence somehow when I know what an awful human being I am
I just don’t get it
Yeah I know you’ve forgiven me
But I don’t deserve to be with you
And if anyone tells me otherwise, they don’t know me well enough to know my hidden thoughts

You are good
And there is no bad in you
I don’t even think you want to hang around me
I wouldn’t blame you if you sent me to hell
I’d think I deserve it
But you say that that’s not the plan.
How?

How can you fix a heart that gets worse by the day and who never learns from her mistakes? 

Oil and water

You and me
We are separate
Like oil and water
Trapped in a vessel
that is my own body
Under pressure
Yet contained
You try to help me
and I slide away
Like oil
and water

I have never tasted
Anything so sweet
as your touch on my heart
a sense of love
for another substance
the feel
of your fragrance
is blessed on my frame

How can two such different
things
share one body?
How can I contain the pressure?
There is too much of both for
a tiny space.
The paralysis of choosing but one
Reigns over my decision
Because
if I'm honest,
I like it
when they are both there,
then I know
which one's which.

The ocean waves

A flood
Rising
Rising
Rise-
Gulp!
Help, help, I can't get any air
Get me out of here!
Please anyone!
No one can hear me scream
No one sees me down here
Underwater
in the deep

Push push
Patricia
Swim up until you see the sun
Kick kick hard
against the weight
of the water
Shoving it behind
Thrust up

Break
Surf
Gasp
Icy cold air
into my chest
Sweet relief wipes me clean
The warm light
of the sun shines
on my beaded salty face
and ahhh
it is heavenly

How easy it is when you are in the sun
Looking down over the waves
Their mighty ripples took tame and rhythmic
But ah the terror when one is beneath
And though hope there may be
It is still a breath away

what if she has cancer

What if she has cancer
What if she dies
What if I have another year
Or two with her
What if I have to see her dead
What if she never wakes up
What if all I will have left is memories
and her clothes neatly folded
In her armoir?

What then?

Will life go on
Will my son grow healthy and strong
as I wilt and fade

An enemy did this
Overnight
While no one was watching
She was fine and then she was not
And what will happen now?
He has devastated me
He has broken my heart
And my soul is gouged
By his injustice and cruelty

Jesus needs to do something
He needs to fight!
He sees the pain, the wreckage, the waste
And he shouts his battle cry
To come to the infants' aid
He is defender of the weak
He protects us
A mighty warrior
A strong shepherd
A fortress that will not be shaken
Although surrounded and pressed on every side
My Lord in the fire with her
You will save her.
You will do it again.
I trust your might and strength.
More than myself

You are my hero
The one who saves the drowning
Pull us out of the flames
My hero and my Lord.
Rescue my daughter!
Please.

I hate being angry

I hate being angry
It takes over and forces me
To treat people differently
A monster emerges from the ashes
With a sword-tongue
Forged to pierce their heart

And I am bound
I watch
Myself eat and devour the safety I've sown
And I passively observe the spectacle
Because it is deserved

I hate believing
people deserve punishment
I hate how it clenches my fists
The warmth in my fingers
that cannot be tamed
Rippling through my being

I don't want to wait a second longer
Justice must be finished
I cannot bear being a victim one more second

Stupid heart
Why do you act so childishly
Don't you know
Don't you get it
You are taking on the wrong role
An avenger will come

He is controlled and makes no errors
And he will finish the job right
If you wait
It is only a matter of time
Years will fly and the day will come
Don't shoot prematurely
And hurt yourself

Fire and darkness

I just want to pause

I want to swallow sleep pills

And I want to disappear

And stop fighting for a while

I want to make my bed in death itself

For a long time

What hope do I have of getting better?

When all who’ve had calamity come upon them

Such as this

Are forced into change

Can an old dog really learn new tricks?

Can it really change?

Life is so dry and flat

That I can’t breathe

It strains my neck

It weighs my eyelids

It chokes my breath

It pretends that I am dead

Why can’t I abandon this?

Why do I feel so alone

I was doing fine and I’m back in the dark

Darkness seems to be my friend these days

Letting me rest my heavy armor

On warm soft bedding 

Before the next battle

It gives me momentary silence

Before the din

Before the fire bright and hot

Burns

Burns

Burns into my very soul

And its melting melting

Only God knows what

Will I be pure gold when the fires end?

Power

Power
What is it about power
That is so inviting
That makes us always yearn for more
It is influence
It is impact
It is popularity
And it is charisma

Why do we want it
Why do I want it
And yet when I have it
It is so difficult to wield correctly
It takes all of my effort not to hurt
Anyone
With the power I have been given

If I could be a child again
Powerless
Without a care
But at the mercy of others
Would I?
Would you?

Powerful
Powerless
We will always choose powerful

The truth behind veils

Veils shroud your holinesss from me

They distract and hide you
For you see everything including me right now
The choices
Oh the choices I make
I want that. I do things to get it.
I have an idea
I pursue it immediately.
Where are my own internal brakes?
Press them for me so I will know
The difference between your and my will
The difference between selfishness
And following your voice

The fool says in his heart there is no God
That frightens me
What am I saying in my heart?
Perhaps I fear because I want to avoid looking foolish in front of you and others
I would love to have peace that who I am is enough
In your eyes

Your eyes see my secrets
My choices
And I cannot hide from you
Though I have talked myself into thinking that

Please stay awake self!
Please don’t go back to sleep
Where everything happens to you
And you lay there and take the pain
Stand up and fight!
And I’ll be cleared from my past
That haunts this body
Heartlessly.

Creases in my face

As the rain drops drips
Drip drip drips
Upon my head in corners
Creases in my face
Unexamined folds of grace
In the crevices
Of never ending canyons
Cleansing
Sweeping away
the aging past
Of discretions never punished
Will life ever be fair

Another day of sticky rain
Running where it’s uncomfortable
Sinking into cracks of filth
Only dust falls there

Boundary lines
drawn upon the otherwise perfect ground
Caused by quakes and surges
In the underworld
Comforting my reckless life
They protect my future
As if to say
Stay above these voids
Above the water that percolates every cavern down below
Stay on earth
Where ground becomes mud
And pebbles travel in streams
And puddles collect
Where people’s feet get wet
In the rain
Drip drip drip
Upon my head
In Creases on my face
Cleansing
Sweeping away
discretions never punished.
Drip drip
Rain.

A flash

Sunshine glowing behind clouds

Gems shine once

Camera flash

Surprising joy

For a moment

For a flash

I blinked

A shooting star

A miraculous second

Was it my imagination?

Could it be?

A glimpse

A light

So bright and brief

Teeth break through apple skin

Words pierce silence

Pencil touches paper

Nothing is something

Then nothing again

A split second

A glimpse of hope

So bright and brief

A slice of lumens

A clap of hands

I don’t expect it to come again

But it was enough to see it once

An eclipsed preview

Abridged and sweet

To the future ahead

Endless joy is somewhere else

But it exists

And gives me hope

It’s enough to know

He is I am.

I showed them my tattoo

I showed them my tattoo

My inky scar

The one that even my husband

Was not privilege to

I showed them my tattoo

The stain on my character

That dirty mark on my soul

The evil touch

And they left me!

I showed them my tattoo

I showed them my heart

I let them in out of desperation

I needed help so badly

So very badly

Hoping to prove my fear of rejection wrong

Hoping that my fears were unjustified

Moments of desperation

And poor judgement

Have led me here to rot

In my numbness

Sadness deeper than plunge pools

Fills my empty soul

My tightening throat

And it feels good

Because I can feel more now

A sense of injustice

A target of my anger

A welcome betrayal

Hurt me again.

I know who to blame now

And it’s not myself

This is not my fault

This is not Gods fault

This is the fault of mankind.

The fault of my enemies

The ones who judge me

Black tar

When will God change my story
From one of disgusting ugliness
shattering pain
Illness
Weakness
Chaos
Heartlessness
To something else

How did I get to this place?
I was never choosing
The bad
I was staying faithful
Why then am I plagued
With torment that is merciless

A tortured soul
Writhing on the ground
Bleeding black
Sticky tar
That is my heart. Jesus
Cares for it

I saw a glance of Infinite light
Approaching the rotten
Somehow desiring it
Shining on it
And that’s a life changing truth
Tethering my powerful feelings
To the ground

Thank goodness for miracles
Thank goodness for unreasonable love
That should not be in this place
But is
How can someone fall in love with filth
And say to the muck “I love you.”
I am surprised to be romanced
Swept off of my sore feet
Into safety
Flattered beyond reason
Into my rescuers strong arms
My knight in shining armor
Sweet Love itself.

Can I stay with thee a little longer
Can I rest in the warmth of your body
For another moment
To feel your heart beating against mine
Your arms are warming my chest
Can you hold me until I am warm too?
please stay.

Like a creature chasing a pure wolf

A little creature

Ghastly to look at

Sticky, moldy, muddy, and gross

Disgusting in every which way

Messy and contagious

Sloppy and ugly

Like a bloody disease which contaminates

Chases a white wolf

Pure frosty fur rippling in the wake of the wind

Strong and muscular from practice and running

With icy eyes that pierce and strengthen

And teeth that can slice through gristle

The wolf knows that it’s strong

And powerful and pure and graceful

It runs

It runs from something so weak

So slow and pathetic and dangerously contaminating

Because it is disgusted

Because it is the only thing the wolf finds terrifying

To be anything other than a pure strong noble wolf

To be caught in that sticky trap is beneath the wolf

The wolf must stay in the land of ice and snow

Of cold and purity

Of clear skies and sharp edges

Of no growth but winterscape

This wolf knows his home

This creature would try to catch the wolf and make it his slave

This creature would hurt him

This creature would make him sick.

Leave me alone!”, commands the wolf to the wretched thing

It hides behind a rock

Paranoid, the wolf continues to run from the sticky mess

He will not stop running for many miles until his muscles have reached their limits and he collapses in an icy cave

He will protect himself from any intruders

He will build an absolute impenetrable shelter from ice

And finally, even the mighty wolf will rest

At last at peace.

Grateful

Grateful for the emotion
Grateful for the fear
Grateful for the anger
Grateful for the tears
Grateful for the freedom to be
Grateful for my life
Grateful for my fingers
Grateful that I feel intense pain

Scared of the numb
The incomprehensible, uncontrollable, big
fog passing over
creeping into every cell of my nervous system
No Feeling, Thinking,
Doing
It numbs my whole body, my mind, my heart
and in doing so
Paralyses me in every way
I am the strong man tied up
Invaded by
An unwelcome void.
A temporary non-existence
You are nothingness.

Grateful that when tears stream down my face
And I can't contain the life in me
That the life is there
That I am here
I am.

Shell

Does a ship ever stop floating
Does its sail tear?
And if it tears, will it die?
Will it keep on living?

A shell is sad
A bear is crying
A unicorn, this fantastical beast is comforting the poor creature.
A porcelain baby crawls delicately, but joyfully on his heaving back
And sinks him deeper into the ground.
By a pool.

She has nothing to give but an image.
A beautiful, angelic, and eternal portrayal
A masterpiece of beauty
A carefully constructed dream

And under the ground
Hidden beneath the pool
Is a shell
Dead
Weeping tears that nothing living will see
And why should a shell weep
When it is the only thing that is not alive anymore.

Bury
Bury
Bury

Until only the angel remains.
I will join the infant in its delicacy
In its primitive world before it was born.
To a place where it cannot be hurt.
Cannot have spina bifida

And I will be there.
Safe in the place before my life ended.
Like a photograph preserved
In time forever.

Just leave the shell alone.
Perhaps it is not there anymore anyway.