Turtle

 Sometimes I feel like a turtle
Stuck in a shell of my own seam-stressing
I wonder how to get out

And live and walk

The world feels frightening

And confusing

And God I wish I knew how to see you

Among the dross of the enemy’s mediocrity

Into a bland old world that has nothing meaningful to offer

And everyone’s cold cuz they’re looking

Looking for a way out

Jesus you explain it all

The way things are

The truth that keeps me sober

The life I must hold onto 

If I am to make any sense of it all

Why be drawn to the senseless when it makes sense with him? I’ve never found a more rational explanation

Though I’ve searched to try to understand the mystery of people running from him

I love Jesus and his ways

He is simple.

He cares.

He loves everybody!

I saw a raven

 I saw a raven the first day 

He was alone looking for food in the shade

He hopped from place to place

Finding things he could eat

And I remembered that you feed me

I saw a raven the second day

He was alone hopping still

I was in a hurry to get to class

But he was happy hopping in the mulch

And I remembered that I don’t need to worry about the future.

I saw a raven the third day

And he was surrounded by pigeons

Proud creatures with shiny full plumage

The ravens feathers looked haggard and sparse compared to them

While the pigeons strutted and bobbed confidently around each other

The lone raven looked for food and found it

And I remembered that it’s ok to not fit in

That I’m still beautiful in Gods eyes

The Rooster

The rooster screams the same old song
Shrill clanging 
But the song doesn’t change

An unending alarm, a bell that won’t stop

A hunger for someone Anyone 

to heed the sound

But the Song stays the same

Piercing screeching on it goes

Gripping with its taloned toes

To the same old fence with the same old song

Wondering who will tell him he’s wrong

Wishing he could change your mind

But the song stays the same

Farmers yell “enough already!”

Yet it’s voice continues to pierce their ears

It’s a voice no one wants to hear

And he keeps on going not knowing what’s near

As the leaves drop round and it snows

Why did God give a painful song

To a bird who’s job is to not live long

To make all around cringe and run

From a noise that cannot be undone

That mixes pain with fear and doubt

Where sorrow screams and wrath comes out

What point is grief if it does not change

And leaves destruction in its wake

No one wants it to persevere

And no one close to it can hear

even the singer wants the song to change

So Why does he sing the same old song

Why scream rooster, on and on?

Carnivores

Is he watching me?

Faintly steering his neck in the crook of my direction

Is he watching me?

Behind a thick foggy veil of silence that cloaks his steps

Is he watching me?

And the eye in my head is burning

Burning yearning to close its lashes

so I can breathe enough to live

Brave fantasies trickle into my consciousness

Of breaking free from moratorium

And his eyes slipping into his gut where they belong

He stares on.

Or is he watching them?

Greedily lapping up their innocence

While I am idly brushing their hair

Cooking their meals

Tucking them under cotton sheets 

Drapes for burial I fear

Am I digging their graves?

We live in a fortress

But the harpies still glide swiftly nearer

I fear we are their carrion. 

And if not us then who?

Can the hunger for prey 

Ever stop in carnivores?

Wonderland motherland

 Wonderland motherland

The soil is deep and heavy

Murky waters ebb and ripple

And I go swimming there

Underneath the dark water-sky

Into the reeds of past indiscretions lie

Memories half memorized

A moratorium of wilting flowers that never die

Wonderland motherland

The place I long to see

The ugly truth that gets dumped into

Pools, deep pools

That even air cannot reach

Should I continue the hunt in the deep?

Cuz if I stay too long I could

Become a ghastly thing aglow

With a body made for a depth like this

and gills that handle muck and filth

But then I’d leave the pretty things

The breeze that hits your face at sea

The foam that dances merrily

Upon the crests of ripples

Making Melodies

And up above, there is no place

For ugly fish with armored plates

In the sun there is nowhere to camouflage

And the sky has no need for shadow fall 

Beyond the bright blue 

I relapsed again

 I relapsed again

Into my comforting sadness

Because only tears can soothe the pain

And it took away my evening

With my children

I attended to my sadness instead of my children

Because it felt relieving 

To acknowledge the painful past

And I relapsed again

Into my wonderland hole

Where anything is possible

Where anything is not possible

Where the rabbit tells me I'm late

And all of the miracles and terrifying phantoms reappear

And I can't seem to find reality

It would be so easy to wake up

And never see earths light

I want to be punished for my sins

I want to see myself get what I deserve

Because I feel like I'm failing again

And it can't be right

I know she's angry and 

I 

Don't know what to do

I pinned her and they hurt her

I cried and she comforted me

I was the baby and she was my mother

And I hate myself for it

Maybe my attachment is too broken to do her good

Maybe I'll keep ripping out her heart

String by string

And leave the bandages behind this time

For once I just want to cry

But it's not safe.

I just want to stop being robbed

By demons that no one can see

The cruel gremlins steal me away from my children

And they want me to notice them

My sadness overwhelms me

How much longer in this pain

Has my brain changed forever?

Grumbling

 groans

A grumble

Can penetrate 

Safety

How can I forget his look

The look that speaks 1000 phrases

That symbolize 

You are below me

You aren’t worth any more time