Some days
Like today
I hate myself
I hate how pleased I feel as I review all of the compliments that I’ve received from others more powerful than myself over my lifetime.
I hate my desire to be noticed and my fear to feed that desire when opportunities come
I hate my crooked smile, my love of secrets, of knowing more than others about something but withholding the information
I hate that I love being a leader and bossing others around
I hate that most of my decisions are run by my fragile and unsteady emotions
I hate that I curse and that I hide my cursing from those who I respect
I hate that I can’t stop hating myself
It’s funny
You know all these things
And hate them too
Yet I’m supposed to feel safe in your presence somehow when I know what an awful human being I am
I just don’t get it
Yeah I know you’ve forgiven me
But I don’t deserve to be with you
And if anyone tells me otherwise, they don’t know me well enough to know my hidden thoughts
You are good
And there is no bad in you
I don’t even think you want to hang around me
I wouldn’t blame you if you sent me to hell
I’d think I deserve it
But you say that that’s not the plan.
How?
How can you fix a heart that gets worse by the day and who never learns from her mistakes?
