what if she has cancer

What if she has cancer
What if she dies
What if I have another year
Or two with her
What if I have to see her dead
What if she never wakes up
What if all I will have left is memories
and her clothes neatly folded
In her armoir?

What then?

Will life go on
Will my son grow healthy and strong
as I wilt and fade

An enemy did this
Overnight
While no one was watching
She was fine and then she was not
And what will happen now?
He has devastated me
He has broken my heart
And my soul is gouged
By his injustice and cruelty

Jesus needs to do something
He needs to fight!
He sees the pain, the wreckage, the waste
And he shouts his battle cry
To come to the infants' aid
He is defender of the weak
He protects us
A mighty warrior
A strong shepherd
A fortress that will not be shaken
Although surrounded and pressed on every side
My Lord in the fire with her
You will save her.
You will do it again.
I trust your might and strength.
More than myself

You are my hero
The one who saves the drowning
Pull us out of the flames
My hero and my Lord.
Rescue my daughter!
Please.

I hate being angry

I hate being angry
It takes over and forces me
To treat people differently
A monster emerges from the ashes
With a sword-tongue
Forged to pierce their heart

And I am bound
I watch
Myself eat and devour the safety I've sown
And I passively observe the spectacle
Because it is deserved

I hate believing
people deserve punishment
I hate how it clenches my fists
The warmth in my fingers
that cannot be tamed
Rippling through my being

I don't want to wait a second longer
Justice must be finished
I cannot bear being a victim one more second

Stupid heart
Why do you act so childishly
Don't you know
Don't you get it
You are taking on the wrong role
An avenger will come

He is controlled and makes no errors
And he will finish the job right
If you wait
It is only a matter of time
Years will fly and the day will come
Don't shoot prematurely
And hurt yourself

Fire and darkness

I just want to pause

I want to swallow sleep pills

And I want to disappear

And stop fighting for a while

I want to make my bed in death itself

For a long time

What hope do I have of getting better?

When all who’ve had calamity come upon them

Such as this

Are forced into change

Can an old dog really learn new tricks?

Can it really change?

Life is so dry and flat

That I can’t breathe

It strains my neck

It weighs my eyelids

It chokes my breath

It pretends that I am dead

Why can’t I abandon this?

Why do I feel so alone

I was doing fine and I’m back in the dark

Darkness seems to be my friend these days

Letting me rest my heavy armor

On warm soft bedding 

Before the next battle

It gives me momentary silence

Before the din

Before the fire bright and hot

Burns

Burns

Burns into my very soul

And its melting melting

Only God knows what

Will I be pure gold when the fires end?

Power

Power
What is it about power
That is so inviting
That makes us always yearn for more
It is influence
It is impact
It is popularity
And it is charisma

Why do we want it
Why do I want it
And yet when I have it
It is so difficult to wield correctly
It takes all of my effort not to hurt
Anyone
With the power I have been given

If I could be a child again
Powerless
Without a care
But at the mercy of others
Would I?
Would you?

Powerful
Powerless
We will always choose powerful

The truth behind veils

Veils shroud your holinesss from me

They distract and hide you
For you see everything including me right now
The choices
Oh the choices I make
I want that. I do things to get it.
I have an idea
I pursue it immediately.
Where are my own internal brakes?
Press them for me so I will know
The difference between your and my will
The difference between selfishness
And following your voice

The fool says in his heart there is no God
That frightens me
What am I saying in my heart?
Perhaps I fear because I want to avoid looking foolish in front of you and others
I would love to have peace that who I am is enough
In your eyes

Your eyes see my secrets
My choices
And I cannot hide from you
Though I have talked myself into thinking that

Please stay awake self!
Please don’t go back to sleep
Where everything happens to you
And you lay there and take the pain
Stand up and fight!
And I’ll be cleared from my past
That haunts this body
Heartlessly.

Creases in my face

As the rain drops drips
Drip drip drips
Upon my head in corners
Creases in my face
Unexamined folds of grace
In the crevices
Of never ending canyons
Cleansing
Sweeping away
the aging past
Of discretions never punished
Will life ever be fair

Another day of sticky rain
Running where it’s uncomfortable
Sinking into cracks of filth
Only dust falls there

Boundary lines
drawn upon the otherwise perfect ground
Caused by quakes and surges
In the underworld
Comforting my reckless life
They protect my future
As if to say
Stay above these voids
Above the water that percolates every cavern down below
Stay on earth
Where ground becomes mud
And pebbles travel in streams
And puddles collect
Where people’s feet get wet
In the rain
Drip drip drip
Upon my head
In Creases on my face
Cleansing
Sweeping away
discretions never punished.
Drip drip
Rain.

A flash

Sunshine glowing behind clouds

Gems shine once

Camera flash

Surprising joy

For a moment

For a flash

I blinked

A shooting star

A miraculous second

Was it my imagination?

Could it be?

A glimpse

A light

So bright and brief

Teeth break through apple skin

Words pierce silence

Pencil touches paper

Nothing is something

Then nothing again

A split second

A glimpse of hope

So bright and brief

A slice of lumens

A clap of hands

I don’t expect it to come again

But it was enough to see it once

An eclipsed preview

Abridged and sweet

To the future ahead

Endless joy is somewhere else

But it exists

And gives me hope

It’s enough to know

He is I am.

I showed them my tattoo

I showed them my tattoo

My inky scar

The one that even my husband

Was not privilege to

I showed them my tattoo

The stain on my character

That dirty mark on my soul

The evil touch

And they left me!

I showed them my tattoo

I showed them my heart

I let them in out of desperation

I needed help so badly

So very badly

Hoping to prove my fear of rejection wrong

Hoping that my fears were unjustified

Moments of desperation

And poor judgement

Have led me here to rot

In my numbness

Sadness deeper than plunge pools

Fills my empty soul

My tightening throat

And it feels good

Because I can feel more now

A sense of injustice

A target of my anger

A welcome betrayal

Hurt me again.

I know who to blame now

And it’s not myself

This is not my fault

This is not Gods fault

This is the fault of mankind.

The fault of my enemies

The ones who judge me