Carnivores

Is he watching me?

Faintly steering his neck in the crook of my direction

Is he watching me?

Behind a thick foggy veil of silence that cloaks his steps

Is he watching me?

And the eye in my head is burning

Burning yearning to close its lashes

so I can breathe enough to live

Brave fantasies trickle into my consciousness

Of breaking free from moratorium

And his eyes slipping into his gut where they belong

He stares on.

Or is he watching them?

Greedily lapping up their innocence

While I am idly brushing their hair

Cooking their meals

Tucking them under cotton sheets 

Drapes for burial I fear

Am I digging their graves?

We live in a fortress

But the harpies still glide swiftly nearer

I fear we are their carrion. 

And if not us then who?

Can the hunger for prey 

Ever stop in carnivores?

Wonderland motherland

 Wonderland motherland

The soil is deep and heavy

Murky waters ebb and ripple

And I go swimming there

Underneath the dark water-sky

Into the reeds of past indiscretions lie

Memories half memorized

A moratorium of wilting flowers that never die

Wonderland motherland

The place I long to see

The ugly truth that gets dumped into

Pools, deep pools

That even air cannot reach

Should I continue the hunt in the deep?

Cuz if I stay too long I could

Become a ghastly thing aglow

With a body made for a depth like this

and gills that handle muck and filth

But then I’d leave the pretty things

The breeze that hits your face at sea

The foam that dances merrily

Upon the crests of ripples

Making Melodies

And up above, there is no place

For ugly fish with armored plates

In the sun there is nowhere to camouflage

And the sky has no need for shadow fall 

Beyond the bright blue 

I relapsed again

 I relapsed again

Into my comforting sadness

Because only tears can soothe the pain

And it took away my evening

With my children

I attended to my sadness instead of my children

Because it felt relieving 

To acknowledge the painful past

And I relapsed again

Into my wonderland hole

Where anything is possible

Where anything is not possible

Where the rabbit tells me I'm late

And all of the miracles and terrifying phantoms reappear

And I can't seem to find reality

It would be so easy to wake up

And never see earths light

I want to be punished for my sins

I want to see myself get what I deserve

Because I feel like I'm failing again

And it can't be right

I know she's angry and 

I 

Don't know what to do

I pinned her and they hurt her

I cried and she comforted me

I was the baby and she was my mother

And I hate myself for it

Maybe my attachment is too broken to do her good

Maybe I'll keep ripping out her heart

String by string

And leave the bandages behind this time

For once I just want to cry

But it's not safe.

I just want to stop being robbed

By demons that no one can see

The cruel gremlins steal me away from my children

And they want me to notice them

My sadness overwhelms me

How much longer in this pain

Has my brain changed forever?

Grumbling

 groans

A grumble

Can penetrate 

Safety

How can I forget his look

The look that speaks 1000 phrases

That symbolize 

You are below me

You aren’t worth any more time

Being weird is better

 Being weird is better

Than pleasing them

Because you can do what you want

And never feel ashamed

Being weird is better

Than doing what you're told

Because you may be yelled at

But they can't steal your joy

Being weird is better

Than being respected

Because it's always possible

Because it is always you

Being weird is being different from your friends and your family and the world

And the ability to notice

rejection and glances and silent daggers in movements

And move into your weirdness all the same.

You are weird.

Embrace it.

The depth of me

I wish I was that girl

Who wanted to understand pain

And reached into

The depth of me

To pull out buried treasure

Now the deep is all I have

Laughter comes forced

All my memories dark and terrifying

How they swirl and agitate!

I look into a broken mirror

That reflects my pain

The void inside

Of death

Of quiet

Quiet

Still

Deep

I am not sure where I go now

But I want to go somewhere

Some days I hate myself

Some days
Like today
I hate myself

I hate how pleased I feel as I review all of the compliments that I’ve received from others more powerful than myself over my lifetime.
I hate my desire to be noticed and my fear to feed that desire when opportunities come
I hate my crooked smile, my love of secrets, of knowing more than others about something but withholding the information
I hate that I love being a leader and bossing others around
I hate that most of my decisions are run by my fragile and unsteady emotions
I hate that I curse and that I hide my cursing from those who I respect
I hate that I can’t stop hating myself

It’s funny
You know all these things
And hate them too
Yet I’m supposed to feel safe in your presence somehow when I know what an awful human being I am
I just don’t get it
Yeah I know you’ve forgiven me
But I don’t deserve to be with you
And if anyone tells me otherwise, they don’t know me well enough to know my hidden thoughts

You are good
And there is no bad in you
I don’t even think you want to hang around me
I wouldn’t blame you if you sent me to hell
I’d think I deserve it
But you say that that’s not the plan.
How?

How can you fix a heart that gets worse by the day and who never learns from her mistakes?