Too much pain

 How do I put this feeling into words

It's as if my back is

bare

Exposed in air

Beneath 

the cold hard empty

I was happy once

I long to return to the past and

force it into my present

How can I ever be happy?

Will my sorrow ever be joy

Without forging a smile and a new way to see the world

That only works until something happens

And I'm back in deep sadness

As I remember my little one

How he cried! 

He was in so much pain

Too much pain for such a tiny body to endure

And I wondered where you were in the mess

And the sick

And my pleading

Did you enjoy seeing me there

Terrified

While my enemy laughed and derided me

And I felt the naked icy cold shame

prick my neck and flush my cheeks

Were you there as I screamed into my pillow

Crushed my ears until I could not hear my son's frantic cries for help

Just wanted to die than be with him unable to do nothing but hold his trembling body

And you

you just...

let it happen.

You watched.

You said nothing.

You did not even give me a glance or comfort my soul.

You had the doctors put me on numbing medication

You had my husband go on meds

And for what?

What good has come from so much evil?

I am still alive but I might as well be dead

There's no joy in me.

I have become a professional at hiding my sorrow.

I know you're good

But I have so much fear in following you again.

You have led me to so many dark places that aren't comforting but cold icy and scary

They are dark and challenge my faith in ways I did not know were possible. 

I just want to go somewhere safe to safe waters and meadow, the kind that David talked about in his stories. I want to understand how you feel about me and hear your heart. I tell people about you but really I don't know enough about you. I like knowing that I am in the presence of the one and true God, the alpha and Omega, the beginning and end, the Savior of the World, my hero, my true husband, my rescuer my friend.

You're more beautiful than the sea. You're more lovely than anyone or anything I can imagine. And you care about me in a way that no one else has ever done, nor ever could. I wish I could feel this close to you all the time, but I feel like that's a dream that will never happen while here in this horrible world. 

Take me back, to a place my soul was before. Carry me in your ships of gold to the place that my soul needs to be. I miss your comfort, when I wasn't so worried about the outcome of my life, or my husband s anger, or Joshua's temper, or Eve's health and screams. I miss your sunshine meaning something to me. I miss the joy of the harvest, and staying at home in peace with the animal and the plants. I miss the goofy ducks and you, knowing you in a way that I haven't for a long time. I would rather spend all my days with you than people here. You are so good to me and love me and comfort me and I'm sorry that I haven't spent a lot of time with you. I know we've been too distant and it's definitely not your fault. I'm just so scared to hear what you have to say to me. What you'll tell me to do. It was so scary when I tried to follow you but got it so wrong. When I thought I knew what it would be like with Joshua and it was anything but. It was so so scary. I want to spend time with you. I wish you were closer to me. I want to have a deeper relationship with you, and I think you're the only counselor who can make me well. I miss you. 

I don't know how to handle my life and I wish you would tell me. And show me. And teach me. I know so little and I feel like I am playing dress up mommy all the time because deep down I am still that little girl that prayed to you when I was four. But I don't know how to move forward. 

Please help me God. Please help me Jesus, my one and only God.