Creases in my face

As the rain drops drips
Drip drip drips
Upon my head in corners
Creases in my face
Unexamined folds of grace
In the crevices
Of never ending canyons
Cleansing
Sweeping away
the aging past
Of discretions never punished
Will life ever be fair

Another day of sticky rain
Running where it’s uncomfortable
Sinking into cracks of filth
Only dust falls there

Boundary lines
drawn upon the otherwise perfect ground
Caused by quakes and surges
In the underworld
Comforting my reckless life
They protect my future
As if to say
Stay above these voids
Above the water that percolates every cavern down below
Stay on earth
Where ground becomes mud
And pebbles travel in streams
And puddles collect
Where people’s feet get wet
In the rain
Drip drip drip
Upon my head
In Creases on my face
Cleansing
Sweeping away
discretions never punished.
Drip drip
Rain.

A flash

Sunshine glowing behind clouds

Gems shine once

Camera flash

Surprising joy

For a moment

For a flash

I blinked

A shooting star

A miraculous second

Was it my imagination?

Could it be?

A glimpse

A light

So bright and brief

Teeth break through apple skin

Words pierce silence

Pencil touches paper

Nothing is something

Then nothing again

A split second

A glimpse of hope

So bright and brief

A slice of lumens

A clap of hands

I don’t expect it to come again

But it was enough to see it once

An eclipsed preview

Abridged and sweet

To the future ahead

Endless joy is somewhere else

But it exists

And gives me hope

It’s enough to know

He is I am.

I showed them my tattoo

I showed them my tattoo

My inky scar

The one that even my husband

Was not privilege to

I showed them my tattoo

The stain on my character

That dirty mark on my soul

The evil touch

And they left me!

I showed them my tattoo

I showed them my heart

I let them in out of desperation

I needed help so badly

So very badly

Hoping to prove my fear of rejection wrong

Hoping that my fears were unjustified

Moments of desperation

And poor judgement

Have led me here to rot

In my numbness

Sadness deeper than plunge pools

Fills my empty soul

My tightening throat

And it feels good

Because I can feel more now

A sense of injustice

A target of my anger

A welcome betrayal

Hurt me again.

I know who to blame now

And it’s not myself

This is not my fault

This is not Gods fault

This is the fault of mankind.

The fault of my enemies

The ones who judge me

Black tar

When will God change my story
From one of disgusting ugliness
shattering pain
Illness
Weakness
Chaos
Heartlessness
To something else

How did I get to this place?
I was never choosing
The bad
I was staying faithful
Why then am I plagued
With torment that is merciless

A tortured soul
Writhing on the ground
Bleeding black
Sticky tar
That is my heart. Jesus
Cares for it

I saw a glance of Infinite light
Approaching the rotten
Somehow desiring it
Shining on it
And that’s a life changing truth
Tethering my powerful feelings
To the ground

Thank goodness for miracles
Thank goodness for unreasonable love
That should not be in this place
But is
How can someone fall in love with filth
And say to the muck “I love you.”
I am surprised to be romanced
Swept off of my sore feet
Into safety
Flattered beyond reason
Into my rescuers strong arms
My knight in shining armor
Sweet Love itself.

Can I stay with thee a little longer
Can I rest in the warmth of your body
For another moment
To feel your heart beating against mine
Your arms are warming my chest
Can you hold me until I am warm too?
please stay.

Like a creature chasing a pure wolf

A little creature

Ghastly to look at

Sticky, moldy, muddy, and gross

Disgusting in every which way

Messy and contagious

Sloppy and ugly

Like a bloody disease which contaminates

Chases a white wolf

Pure frosty fur rippling in the wake of the wind

Strong and muscular from practice and running

With icy eyes that pierce and strengthen

And teeth that can slice through gristle

The wolf knows that it’s strong

And powerful and pure and graceful

It runs

It runs from something so weak

So slow and pathetic and dangerously contaminating

Because it is disgusted

Because it is the only thing the wolf finds terrifying

To be anything other than a pure strong noble wolf

To be caught in that sticky trap is beneath the wolf

The wolf must stay in the land of ice and snow

Of cold and purity

Of clear skies and sharp edges

Of no growth but winterscape

This wolf knows his home

This creature would try to catch the wolf and make it his slave

This creature would hurt him

This creature would make him sick.

Leave me alone!”, commands the wolf to the wretched thing

It hides behind a rock

Paranoid, the wolf continues to run from the sticky mess

He will not stop running for many miles until his muscles have reached their limits and he collapses in an icy cave

He will protect himself from any intruders

He will build an absolute impenetrable shelter from ice

And finally, even the mighty wolf will rest

At last at peace.

Grateful

Grateful for the emotion
Grateful for the fear
Grateful for the anger
Grateful for the tears
Grateful for the freedom to be
Grateful for my life
Grateful for my fingers
Grateful that I feel intense pain

Scared of the numb
The incomprehensible, uncontrollable, big
fog passing over
creeping into every cell of my nervous system
No Feeling, Thinking,
Doing
It numbs my whole body, my mind, my heart
and in doing so
Paralyses me in every way
I am the strong man tied up
Invaded by
An unwelcome void.
A temporary non-existence
You are nothingness.

Grateful that when tears stream down my face
And I can't contain the life in me
That the life is there
That I am here
I am.

Shell

Does a ship ever stop floating
Does its sail tear?
And if it tears, will it die?
Will it keep on living?

A shell is sad
A bear is crying
A unicorn, this fantastical beast is comforting the poor creature.
A porcelain baby crawls delicately, but joyfully on his heaving back
And sinks him deeper into the ground.
By a pool.

She has nothing to give but an image.
A beautiful, angelic, and eternal portrayal
A masterpiece of beauty
A carefully constructed dream

And under the ground
Hidden beneath the pool
Is a shell
Dead
Weeping tears that nothing living will see
And why should a shell weep
When it is the only thing that is not alive anymore.

Bury
Bury
Bury

Until only the angel remains.
I will join the infant in its delicacy
In its primitive world before it was born.
To a place where it cannot be hurt.
Cannot have spina bifida

And I will be there.
Safe in the place before my life ended.
Like a photograph preserved
In time forever.

Just leave the shell alone.
Perhaps it is not there anymore anyway.