Turtle

 Sometimes I feel like a turtle
Stuck in a shell of my own seam-stressing
I wonder how to get out

And live and walk

The world feels frightening

And confusing

And God I wish I knew how to see you

Among the dross of the enemy’s mediocrity

Into a bland old world that has nothing meaningful to offer

And everyone’s cold cuz they’re looking

Looking for a way out

Jesus you explain it all

The way things are

The truth that keeps me sober

The life I must hold onto 

If I am to make any sense of it all

Why be drawn to the senseless when it makes sense with him? I’ve never found a more rational explanation

Though I’ve searched to try to understand the mystery of people running from him

I love Jesus and his ways

He is simple.

He cares.

He loves everybody!

Too much pain

 How do I put this feeling into words

It's as if my back is

bare

Exposed in air

Beneath 

the cold hard empty

I was happy once

I long to return to the past and

force it into my present

How can I ever be happy?

Will my sorrow ever be joy

Without forging a smile and a new way to see the world

That only works until something happens

And I'm back in deep sadness

As I remember my little one

How he cried! 

He was in so much pain

Too much pain for such a tiny body to endure

And I wondered where you were in the mess

And the sick

And my pleading

Did you enjoy seeing me there

Terrified

While my enemy laughed and derided me

And I felt the naked icy cold shame

prick my neck and flush my cheeks

Were you there as I screamed into my pillow

Crushed my ears until I could not hear my son's frantic cries for help

Just wanted to die than be with him unable to do nothing but hold his trembling body

And you

you just...

let it happen.

You watched.

You said nothing.

You did not even give me a glance or comfort my soul.

You had the doctors put me on numbing medication

You had my husband go on meds

And for what?

What good has come from so much evil?

I am still alive but I might as well be dead

There's no joy in me.

I have become a professional at hiding my sorrow.

I know you're good

But I have so much fear in following you again.

You have led me to so many dark places that aren't comforting but cold icy and scary

They are dark and challenge my faith in ways I did not know were possible. 

I just want to go somewhere safe to safe waters and meadow, the kind that David talked about in his stories. I want to understand how you feel about me and hear your heart. I tell people about you but really I don't know enough about you. I like knowing that I am in the presence of the one and true God, the alpha and Omega, the beginning and end, the Savior of the World, my hero, my true husband, my rescuer my friend.

You're more beautiful than the sea. You're more lovely than anyone or anything I can imagine. And you care about me in a way that no one else has ever done, nor ever could. I wish I could feel this close to you all the time, but I feel like that's a dream that will never happen while here in this horrible world. 

Take me back, to a place my soul was before. Carry me in your ships of gold to the place that my soul needs to be. I miss your comfort, when I wasn't so worried about the outcome of my life, or my husband s anger, or Joshua's temper, or Eve's health and screams. I miss your sunshine meaning something to me. I miss the joy of the harvest, and staying at home in peace with the animal and the plants. I miss the goofy ducks and you, knowing you in a way that I haven't for a long time. I would rather spend all my days with you than people here. You are so good to me and love me and comfort me and I'm sorry that I haven't spent a lot of time with you. I know we've been too distant and it's definitely not your fault. I'm just so scared to hear what you have to say to me. What you'll tell me to do. It was so scary when I tried to follow you but got it so wrong. When I thought I knew what it would be like with Joshua and it was anything but. It was so so scary. I want to spend time with you. I wish you were closer to me. I want to have a deeper relationship with you, and I think you're the only counselor who can make me well. I miss you. 

I don't know how to handle my life and I wish you would tell me. And show me. And teach me. I know so little and I feel like I am playing dress up mommy all the time because deep down I am still that little girl that prayed to you when I was four. But I don't know how to move forward. 

Please help me God. Please help me Jesus, my one and only God.

I saw a raven

 I saw a raven the first day 

He was alone looking for food in the shade

He hopped from place to place

Finding things he could eat

And I remembered that you feed me

I saw a raven the second day

He was alone hopping still

I was in a hurry to get to class

But he was happy hopping in the mulch

And I remembered that I don’t need to worry about the future.

I saw a raven the third day

And he was surrounded by pigeons

Proud creatures with shiny full plumage

The ravens feathers looked haggard and sparse compared to them

While the pigeons strutted and bobbed confidently around each other

The lone raven looked for food and found it

And I remembered that it’s ok to not fit in

That I’m still beautiful in Gods eyes

The Rooster

The rooster screams the same old song
Shrill clanging 
But the song doesn’t change

An unending alarm, a bell that won’t stop

A hunger for someone Anyone 

to heed the sound

But the Song stays the same

Piercing screeching on it goes

Gripping with its taloned toes

To the same old fence with the same old song

Wondering who will tell him he’s wrong

Wishing he could change your mind

But the song stays the same

Farmers yell “enough already!”

Yet it’s voice continues to pierce their ears

It’s a voice no one wants to hear

And he keeps on going not knowing what’s near

As the leaves drop round and it snows

Why did God give a painful song

To a bird who’s job is to not live long

To make all around cringe and run

From a noise that cannot be undone

That mixes pain with fear and doubt

Where sorrow screams and wrath comes out

What point is grief if it does not change

And leaves destruction in its wake

No one wants it to persevere

And no one close to it can hear

even the singer wants the song to change

So Why does he sing the same old song

Why scream rooster, on and on?

Sex at the Butcher

 Nothing but the skeleton that my skin and tendons hang on
My bony hanger that supports a heavy coat

The hanger tips

Pills can’t erase the irascible sensation I feel in my heart

Of acid slowly burning and chewing through this aged carcass

That they all think is alive 

It moves like a marionette

Forced into contortions from another’s hand

What a good job I’ve done in selling it!

Stamping a high price on rotting meat

Like it’s worth anything

Strings have bound it into something package-able

And I wonder why I wanted them to come off

What would I do then?

I think I bought their lie too.

That my blood to them was more than a meal

That my pain made them feel something too

I am a lamb in a butcher shop

Carnivores

Is he watching me?

Faintly steering his neck in the crook of my direction

Is he watching me?

Behind a thick foggy veil of silence that cloaks his steps

Is he watching me?

And the eye in my head is burning

Burning yearning to close its lashes

so I can breathe enough to live

Brave fantasies trickle into my consciousness

Of breaking free from moratorium

And his eyes slipping into his gut where they belong

He stares on.

Or is he watching them?

Greedily lapping up their innocence

While I am idly brushing their hair

Cooking their meals

Tucking them under cotton sheets 

Drapes for burial I fear

Am I digging their graves?

We live in a fortress

But the harpies still glide swiftly nearer

I fear we are their carrion. 

And if not us then who?

Can the hunger for prey 

Ever stop in carnivores?

Wonderland motherland

 Wonderland motherland

The soil is deep and heavy

Murky waters ebb and ripple

And I go swimming there

Underneath the dark water-sky

Into the reeds of past indiscretions lie

Memories half memorized

A moratorium of wilting flowers that never die

Wonderland motherland

The place I long to see

The ugly truth that gets dumped into

Pools, deep pools

That even air cannot reach

Should I continue the hunt in the deep?

Cuz if I stay too long I could

Become a ghastly thing aglow

With a body made for a depth like this

and gills that handle muck and filth

But then I’d leave the pretty things

The breeze that hits your face at sea

The foam that dances merrily

Upon the crests of ripples

Making Melodies

And up above, there is no place

For ugly fish with armored plates

In the sun there is nowhere to camouflage

And the sky has no need for shadow fall 

Beyond the bright blue 

I relapsed again

 I relapsed again

Into my comforting sadness

Because only tears can soothe the pain

And it took away my evening

With my children

I attended to my sadness instead of my children

Because it felt relieving 

To acknowledge the painful past

And I relapsed again

Into my wonderland hole

Where anything is possible

Where anything is not possible

Where the rabbit tells me I'm late

And all of the miracles and terrifying phantoms reappear

And I can't seem to find reality

It would be so easy to wake up

And never see earths light

I want to be punished for my sins

I want to see myself get what I deserve

Because I feel like I'm failing again

And it can't be right

I know she's angry and 

I 

Don't know what to do

I pinned her and they hurt her

I cried and she comforted me

I was the baby and she was my mother

And I hate myself for it

Maybe my attachment is too broken to do her good

Maybe I'll keep ripping out her heart

String by string

And leave the bandages behind this time

For once I just want to cry

But it's not safe.

I just want to stop being robbed

By demons that no one can see

The cruel gremlins steal me away from my children

And they want me to notice them

My sadness overwhelms me

How much longer in this pain

Has my brain changed forever?

Grumbling

 groans

A grumble

Can penetrate 

Safety

How can I forget his look

The look that speaks 1000 phrases

That symbolize 

You are below me

You aren’t worth any more time

Being weird is better

 Being weird is better

Than pleasing them

Because you can do what you want

And never feel ashamed

Being weird is better

Than doing what you're told

Because you may be yelled at

But they can't steal your joy

Being weird is better

Than being respected

Because it's always possible

Because it is always you

Being weird is being different from your friends and your family and the world

And the ability to notice

rejection and glances and silent daggers in movements

And move into your weirdness all the same.

You are weird.

Embrace it.

The depth of me

I wish I was that girl

Who wanted to understand pain

And reached into

The depth of me

To pull out buried treasure

Now the deep is all I have

Laughter comes forced

All my memories dark and terrifying

How they swirl and agitate!

I look into a broken mirror

That reflects my pain

The void inside

Of death

Of quiet

Quiet

Still

Deep

I am not sure where I go now

But I want to go somewhere

Some days I hate myself

Some days
Like today
I hate myself

I hate how pleased I feel as I review all of the compliments that I’ve received from others more powerful than myself over my lifetime.
I hate my desire to be noticed and my fear to feed that desire when opportunities come
I hate my crooked smile, my love of secrets, of knowing more than others about something but withholding the information
I hate that I love being a leader and bossing others around
I hate that most of my decisions are run by my fragile and unsteady emotions
I hate that I curse and that I hide my cursing from those who I respect
I hate that I can’t stop hating myself

It’s funny
You know all these things
And hate them too
Yet I’m supposed to feel safe in your presence somehow when I know what an awful human being I am
I just don’t get it
Yeah I know you’ve forgiven me
But I don’t deserve to be with you
And if anyone tells me otherwise, they don’t know me well enough to know my hidden thoughts

You are good
And there is no bad in you
I don’t even think you want to hang around me
I wouldn’t blame you if you sent me to hell
I’d think I deserve it
But you say that that’s not the plan.
How?

How can you fix a heart that gets worse by the day and who never learns from her mistakes? 

Oil and water

You and me
We are separate
Like oil and water
Trapped in a vessel
that is my own body
Under pressure
Yet contained
You try to help me
and I slide away
Like oil
and water

I have never tasted
Anything so sweet
as your touch on my heart
a sense of love
for another substance
the feel
of your fragrance
is blessed on my frame

How can two such different
things
share one body?
How can I contain the pressure?
There is too much of both for
a tiny space.
The paralysis of choosing but one
Reigns over my decision
Because
if I'm honest,
I like it
when they are both there,
then I know
which one's which.

The ocean waves

A flood
Rising
Rising
Rise-
Gulp!
Help, help, I can't get any air
Get me out of here!
Please anyone!
No one can hear me scream
No one sees me down here
Underwater
in the deep

Push push
Patricia
Swim up until you see the sun
Kick kick hard
against the weight
of the water
Shoving it behind
Thrust up

Break
Surf
Gasp
Icy cold air
into my chest
Sweet relief wipes me clean
The warm light
of the sun shines
on my beaded salty face
and ahhh
it is heavenly

How easy it is when you are in the sun
Looking down over the waves
Their mighty ripples took tame and rhythmic
But ah the terror when one is beneath
And though hope there may be
It is still a breath away

what if she has cancer

What if she has cancer
What if she dies
What if I have another year
Or two with her
What if I have to see her dead
What if she never wakes up
What if all I will have left is memories
and her clothes neatly folded
In her armoir?

What then?

Will life go on
Will my son grow healthy and strong
as I wilt and fade

An enemy did this
Overnight
While no one was watching
She was fine and then she was not
And what will happen now?
He has devastated me
He has broken my heart
And my soul is gouged
By his injustice and cruelty

Jesus needs to do something
He needs to fight!
He sees the pain, the wreckage, the waste
And he shouts his battle cry
To come to the infants' aid
He is defender of the weak
He protects us
A mighty warrior
A strong shepherd
A fortress that will not be shaken
Although surrounded and pressed on every side
My Lord in the fire with her
You will save her.
You will do it again.
I trust your might and strength.
More than myself

You are my hero
The one who saves the drowning
Pull us out of the flames
My hero and my Lord.
Rescue my daughter!
Please.

I hate being angry

I hate being angry
It takes over and forces me
To treat people differently
A monster emerges from the ashes
With a sword-tongue
Forged to pierce their heart

And I am bound
I watch
Myself eat and devour the safety I've sown
And I passively observe the spectacle
Because it is deserved

I hate believing
people deserve punishment
I hate how it clenches my fists
The warmth in my fingers
that cannot be tamed
Rippling through my being

I don't want to wait a second longer
Justice must be finished
I cannot bear being a victim one more second

Stupid heart
Why do you act so childishly
Don't you know
Don't you get it
You are taking on the wrong role
An avenger will come

He is controlled and makes no errors
And he will finish the job right
If you wait
It is only a matter of time
Years will fly and the day will come
Don't shoot prematurely
And hurt yourself

Fire and darkness

I just want to pause

I want to swallow sleep pills

And I want to disappear

And stop fighting for a while

I want to make my bed in death itself

For a long time

What hope do I have of getting better?

When all who’ve had calamity come upon them

Such as this

Are forced into change

Can an old dog really learn new tricks?

Can it really change?

Life is so dry and flat

That I can’t breathe

It strains my neck

It weighs my eyelids

It chokes my breath

It pretends that I am dead

Why can’t I abandon this?

Why do I feel so alone

I was doing fine and I’m back in the dark

Darkness seems to be my friend these days

Letting me rest my heavy armor

On warm soft bedding 

Before the next battle

It gives me momentary silence

Before the din

Before the fire bright and hot

Burns

Burns

Burns into my very soul

And its melting melting

Only God knows what

Will I be pure gold when the fires end?

Power

Power
What is it about power
That is so inviting
That makes us always yearn for more
It is influence
It is impact
It is popularity
And it is charisma

Why do we want it
Why do I want it
And yet when I have it
It is so difficult to wield correctly
It takes all of my effort not to hurt
Anyone
With the power I have been given

If I could be a child again
Powerless
Without a care
But at the mercy of others
Would I?
Would you?

Powerful
Powerless
We will always choose powerful

The truth behind veils

Veils shroud your holinesss from me

They distract and hide you
For you see everything including me right now
The choices
Oh the choices I make
I want that. I do things to get it.
I have an idea
I pursue it immediately.
Where are my own internal brakes?
Press them for me so I will know
The difference between your and my will
The difference between selfishness
And following your voice

The fool says in his heart there is no God
That frightens me
What am I saying in my heart?
Perhaps I fear because I want to avoid looking foolish in front of you and others
I would love to have peace that who I am is enough
In your eyes

Your eyes see my secrets
My choices
And I cannot hide from you
Though I have talked myself into thinking that

Please stay awake self!
Please don’t go back to sleep
Where everything happens to you
And you lay there and take the pain
Stand up and fight!
And I’ll be cleared from my past
That haunts this body
Heartlessly.

Creases in my face

As the rain drops drips
Drip drip drips
Upon my head in corners
Creases in my face
Unexamined folds of grace
In the crevices
Of never ending canyons
Cleansing
Sweeping away
the aging past
Of discretions never punished
Will life ever be fair

Another day of sticky rain
Running where it’s uncomfortable
Sinking into cracks of filth
Only dust falls there

Boundary lines
drawn upon the otherwise perfect ground
Caused by quakes and surges
In the underworld
Comforting my reckless life
They protect my future
As if to say
Stay above these voids
Above the water that percolates every cavern down below
Stay on earth
Where ground becomes mud
And pebbles travel in streams
And puddles collect
Where people’s feet get wet
In the rain
Drip drip drip
Upon my head
In Creases on my face
Cleansing
Sweeping away
discretions never punished.
Drip drip
Rain.