Being weird is better

 Being weird is better

Than pleasing them

Because you can do what you want

And never feel ashamed

Being weird is better

Than doing what you're told

Because you may be yelled at

But they can't steal your joy

Being weird is better

Than being respected

Because it's always possible

Because it is always you

Being weird is being different from your friends and your family and the world

And the ability to notice

rejection and glances and silent daggers in movements

And move into your weirdness all the same.

You are weird.

Embrace it.

The depth of me

I wish I was that girl

Who wanted to understand pain

And reached into

The depth of me

To pull out buried treasure

Now the deep is all I have

Laughter comes forced

All my memories dark and terrifying

How they swirl and agitate!

I look into a broken mirror

That reflects my pain

The void inside

Of death

Of quiet

Quiet

Still

Deep

I am not sure where I go now

But I want to go somewhere

Some days I hate myself

Some days
Like today
I hate myself

I hate how pleased I feel as I review all of the compliments that I’ve received from others more powerful than myself over my lifetime.
I hate my desire to be noticed and my fear to feed that desire when opportunities come
I hate my crooked smile, my love of secrets, of knowing more than others about something but withholding the information
I hate that I love being a leader and bossing others around
I hate that most of my decisions are run by my fragile and unsteady emotions
I hate that I curse and that I hide my cursing from those who I respect
I hate that I can’t stop hating myself

It’s funny
You know all these things
And hate them too
Yet I’m supposed to feel safe in your presence somehow when I know what an awful human being I am
I just don’t get it
Yeah I know you’ve forgiven me
But I don’t deserve to be with you
And if anyone tells me otherwise, they don’t know me well enough to know my hidden thoughts

You are good
And there is no bad in you
I don’t even think you want to hang around me
I wouldn’t blame you if you sent me to hell
I’d think I deserve it
But you say that that’s not the plan.
How?

How can you fix a heart that gets worse by the day and who never learns from her mistakes? 

Oil and water

You and me
We are separate
Like oil and water
Trapped in a vessel
that is my own body
Under pressure
Yet contained
You try to help me
and I slide away
Like oil
and water

I have never tasted
Anything so sweet
as your touch on my heart
a sense of love
for another substance
the feel
of your fragrance
is blessed on my frame

How can two such different
things
share one body?
How can I contain the pressure?
There is too much of both for
a tiny space.
The paralysis of choosing but one
Reigns over my decision
Because
if I'm honest,
I like it
when they are both there,
then I know
which one's which.

The ocean waves

A flood
Rising
Rising
Rise-
Gulp!
Help, help, I can't get any air
Get me out of here!
Please anyone!
No one can hear me scream
No one sees me down here
Underwater
in the deep

Push push
Patricia
Swim up until you see the sun
Kick kick hard
against the weight
of the water
Shoving it behind
Thrust up

Break
Surf
Gasp
Icy cold air
into my chest
Sweet relief wipes me clean
The warm light
of the sun shines
on my beaded salty face
and ahhh
it is heavenly

How easy it is when you are in the sun
Looking down over the waves
Their mighty ripples took tame and rhythmic
But ah the terror when one is beneath
And though hope there may be
It is still a breath away

what if she has cancer

What if she has cancer
What if she dies
What if I have another year
Or two with her
What if I have to see her dead
What if she never wakes up
What if all I will have left is memories
and her clothes neatly folded
In her armoir?

What then?

Will life go on
Will my son grow healthy and strong
as I wilt and fade

An enemy did this
Overnight
While no one was watching
She was fine and then she was not
And what will happen now?
He has devastated me
He has broken my heart
And my soul is gouged
By his injustice and cruelty

Jesus needs to do something
He needs to fight!
He sees the pain, the wreckage, the waste
And he shouts his battle cry
To come to the infants' aid
He is defender of the weak
He protects us
A mighty warrior
A strong shepherd
A fortress that will not be shaken
Although surrounded and pressed on every side
My Lord in the fire with her
You will save her.
You will do it again.
I trust your might and strength.
More than myself

You are my hero
The one who saves the drowning
Pull us out of the flames
My hero and my Lord.
Rescue my daughter!
Please.

I hate being angry

I hate being angry
It takes over and forces me
To treat people differently
A monster emerges from the ashes
With a sword-tongue
Forged to pierce their heart

And I am bound
I watch
Myself eat and devour the safety I've sown
And I passively observe the spectacle
Because it is deserved

I hate believing
people deserve punishment
I hate how it clenches my fists
The warmth in my fingers
that cannot be tamed
Rippling through my being

I don't want to wait a second longer
Justice must be finished
I cannot bear being a victim one more second

Stupid heart
Why do you act so childishly
Don't you know
Don't you get it
You are taking on the wrong role
An avenger will come

He is controlled and makes no errors
And he will finish the job right
If you wait
It is only a matter of time
Years will fly and the day will come
Don't shoot prematurely
And hurt yourself